Watch a young child learn to ride a bike and you see something remarkable: they fall, they wobble, they try again. Somewhere along the way, many of us lose that instinct. We start steering children away from the hard thing rather than towards it. Yet the ability to sit with difficulty, and even welcome it, is one of the most useful things a child can learn.
This is the heart of a growth mindset: the belief that ability grows through effort rather than being fixed at birth. The good news is that parents can spot the habits and settings that nurture it. Here is a practical checklist to help.
Look for praise that focuses on effort, not talent
Notice how the adults around your child respond to their work. “You worked really hard on that” tells a child that effort matters. “You’re so clever” quietly suggests that success comes from something they either have or lack. The first invites them to try harder next time. The second makes failure feel like proof of a shortcoming, so they avoid it.
At home, try naming the process. Talk about the strategy they used, the second attempt they made, or the moment they nearly gave up but didn’t.
Check whether mistakes are treated as information
In a healthy learning environment, a wrong answer is a starting point, not a verdict. Ask yourself: when your child gets something wrong, does the conversation move to “what could you try next?” or does it stop at disappointment?
Children who are allowed to be wrong without shame are far more willing to take on hard problems. They learn that a mistake is data, not a character flaw.
Watch for the language of “yet”
One small word changes everything. “I can’t do this” becomes “I can’t do this yet.” That single addition turns a closed door into a work in progress. Listen for it in the way teachers and parents speak, and start weaving it into your own conversations.
Notice whether children are given genuine challenge
Comfortable work builds confidence, but only appropriate challenge builds resilience. Look for settings where children are gently stretched, given tasks slightly beyond their current reach and supported as they close the gap. Schools that value character alongside academic progress tend to build this into everyday learning, and it is worth asking how a prospective school approaches it. Families researching this often start by exploring a school that champions a whole-person approach to education, such as the co-educational independent New Hall School in Essex, where effort and perseverance are treated as skills to be developed.
See how adults model their own struggles
Children copy what they see far more than what they are told. A parent who says “I found this tricky, so I looked it up” is teaching resilience without a lecture. Let your child watch you get things wrong, puzzle through them, and keep going. It normalises difficulty as a part of learning rather than a sign that something has gone awry.
Ask how progress is measured
Grades have their place, but a child fixated only on the score can miss the point of learning altogether. Look for environments that also recognise improvement over time, curiosity, and the willingness to attempt something hard. When progress is measured in more than one way, children have more reasons to keep trying.
Small shifts, lasting difference
None of this requires a dramatic change. It is a collection of small habits: praising effort, welcoming mistakes, adding “yet”, offering real challenge, and modelling honest struggle. Practised consistently, these habits help children see difficulty not as a wall but as a door.
You can read more about New Hall School’s approach at https://newhallschool.co.uk.
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*This article was contributed by the team at New Hall School, a co-educational independent day and boarding school in Chelmsford, Essex, welcoming pupils from ages 3 to 18. Rooted in a long-standing tradition of academic ambition and personal development, New Hall School encourages every pupil to grow in confidence, character and resilience, both in and beyond the classroom.*
